The ABC of staying safe for Neurodivergent mums
As we head into the new year, I’m working hard on one key strategy to keep Neurodivergent families safe: sharing skills.
It’s no secret that we are vulnerable when we interact with people in authority as parents. ND mamas are especially scrutinized. Our behavior, our decisions, our words, our parenting style - it’s all under the microscope.
So how do we keep ourselves safe? There’s a lot you can start working on, now!
Over the time I’ve worked with mostly Autistic and ADHD mums - some with a diagnosis, some not - I’ve noticed common struggles that we have.
I say we because - I’m an Autistic and ADHD mama myself. I’ve also learned a lot about what works, and what doesn’t, through my own lived experience navigating child protection, schools, and the legal system.
I’ve put together an action kit to share using the mnemonic (pronounced ‘ni/monic’ - a letter pattern for easy remembering) ‘ABCDE’.
A lot of these skills and actions are going to take time, practice and support. In later posts, I’m going to break down each letter, and provide links and resources to help you set them in motion.
Please bear in mind that this list has taken me years to develop, and is something I am always practicing.
Pick one thing, and start working on it. This list will keep you safer when advocating for your kids.
Good luck out there!
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The ABCDE of Staying Safer in Systems for Neurodivergent Mums
A is for ADVOCACY. Get advocacy support early from an external source.
When you find yourself in a challenging situation with the legal system, education system, health system, or engaged with child protection - enlist the help of a Disability Advocate. There are free Advocacy services in every state. I will share a list on my website soon.
Self-advocacy skills are excellent to learn as well, but there is nothing quite like the accountability that comes with an outside pair of eyes watching - and writing everything down.
It changes the dynamic and makes people in authority highly aware of their accountability. That’s a good thing. It doesn’t have to be about conflict, but about calm common sense.
B is for BREATHE and self regulate - learn skills to manage your emotions so you are calm when speaking with anyone in authority.
Teachers, doctors, nurses, service providers, etc are all mandatory reporters to child protection.
One of the main reasons ND mums are reported is because of dysregulation being noticed - when our emotions are observed as being high and erratic.
Talk to your GP about medication support and subsidized access to counseling - to learn practical skills to regulate your emotions. There are Zoom options for counseling if going in person is too hard.
The Victims of Crime scheme is easy to access for anyone who has experienced DV or assault and provides free counseling.
Talk to friends, family, and whoever you’ve got to lean on. Spend time with your hobbies and interests - these regulate you too. I’ll be sharing more self-regulation links and tips through 2023.
This is not easy and is a long journey. At a minimum, spend 20 minutes focused on finding a calm center before speaking to a teacher/principal/nurse/child protection worker.
If you take medication for ADHD, take this at least 40 minutes to an hour before school drop, a health appointment, or a social worker visitor (just some examples).
ADHD medication helps you regulate your emotions, along with other medications. Self-regulation skills do too. I don’t attempt any hard or high-stakes meeting with someone in authority if I haven’t taken my ADHD medication!
If you are in need of ADHD medication and need help accessing screening and support, indicate this need for help and your insight around it.
Self-awareness helps soothe concerns for mandatory reporters a lot.
Losing your cool in front of these people puts you at risk, so starting to manage this risk is great. If it happens - do repair work around this, acknowledge you lost your cool, and ask for help connecting to more support.
C is for CONFLICT minimisation through CALM COMMUNICATION and conflict management skills.
Conflict with someone in authority is THE biggest predictor for a child protection report being made in regards to an ND mum. You can manage this risk, by learning how to minimise conflict.
Adding conflict de-escalation skills to your tool-kit is one of the best ways you can spend your time when advocating for yourself or your child. There are many great, free resources on Youtube, Instagram - and even TikTok! - about conflict de-escalation.
There’s a time and a place to stand your ground - that time and place is NOT every conversation you have with your child’s teacher or doctor.
D is for DOCUMENT your DECISIONS in DETAIL as well as conversations and actions by significant others involved in you or your child’s care.
Grab an exercise book, open a note on your phone, or send yourself an email and make sure you make a record at the time of the following:
Who was there? Who did it? Who gave you the advice? (for instance, did your GP tell you your child needed a sleep study? Write it down. Or get their advice in writing)
What was said or done? Write it down exactly, word for word, without adding your opinion or interpretation.
When did it happen?
Where did it happen?
Why did you do it/they do it? What’s the reasoning behind your decision?
Documenting decisions and events is important because ND mamas are often accused of making poorly thought-out, irrational decisions.
Often that’s not the case, but we can struggle to communicate how and why we made choices - due to difficulties with memory, processing, and communication barriers.
If this kind of documentation is hard for you, and I expect it may be, ask a friend or family member to help you or get an Advocate to help you.
Diaries are powerful things and have been the basis for some legal wins. Don’t underestimate the importance of documenting what is happening.
ENGAGE EARLY with EARLY INTERVENTION services, neighborhood centres, NDIS supports, and resources, etc. and document that you’ve asked for help - in writing.
Ask for help, but with the support of an Advocate who can help keep you safe when connecting with these services.
The mums that child protection tends to worry about, are the ones who are trying to hide their distress or aren’t asking for help.
I won’t lie - I’m frustrated by this because sometimes, reaching out for help can backfire.
Service providers, social workers, etc, can panic about how we think and behave. There’s a lot of fear around how we present. That’s wrong and needs to change, and I’m working on it (as are many others!)
That bias is why having an Advocate along for the ride can help you connect to services, a lot more safely.
They can explain your behavior, and put it into context for a social worker or counselor. They can document interactions, and make sure you’re being treated fairly.
With all of that in mind, it’s the mothers who reach out for help and get the support that do best in the system. If you’re working on issues and trying to be a good parent, that looks a lot better for you than avoidance.
I’ll add another important C to this list with regards to engaging with support - make attempts to CLEAN your house or ask for help in cleaning it up.
Supports and social workers often want to do home visits, so making some attempts to clean, and indicating you know what needs doing (but just need help) is everything. It doesn’t have to be spotless - but basic hygiene is a must.
If you show insight into where you are struggling, this comes across a lot better than avoidance and denial.
It’s not something I like saying to clients, but when it comes to staying safe in systems, the phrase “you can run but you can’t hide” is key.
That’s it! That’s the list.
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I know some of this stuff seems very out of reach, but grab a pen and some paper and pick one thing you can work on today or this week.
Pick a small task to start with - for instance, cleaning your sink, watching a video on YouTube about conflict management, or asking a friend to remind you to book a GP appointment to ask for anxiety support.
There’s no need to do all of this at once. All you need to do is make a start.
It’s better to start imperfectly than to stay perfectly stuck. And remember - even if it feels like it sometimes, you aren’t alone.
There’s a whole sisterhood of ND women out there who are going through this too, and who have your back. This brings me to the most important “C” on this list:
COMMUNITY. Connect to community. Reach out among your networks and start finding like-minded mothers, women who are also ND, who help you feel understood.
Nothing regulates and supports like having a sense of belonging in a community of your peers. Find this, and all of the above will become much more manageable.
Sending love and solidarity on your journey.
