STOP CALLING AUTISTIC PEOPLE DEMANDING
CW: Discriminatory language, shaming, bullying
“Maybe you should try to be less demanding than your normal self.”
The word ‘demanding’ is frequently used to bully, reduce, and humiliate Autistic people for their communication - in particular, Autistic women.
A slur, as defined by the Oxford Dictionary, is:
an insinuation or allegation about someone that is likely to insult them or damage their reputation:
"the comments were a slur on staff at the hospital"
Slurs are commonly used, denigrating descriptions we hear throughout our lives.
Slurs traumatise, because they often indicate intolerance to involuntary behaviours. They tell us we are ‘not wanted here’.
I mostly see this word directed at Autistic women who are hyper-verbal and hyperlexic. We talk a lot and use complex language. We are persistent advocates for our community and our children, and we often directly challenge the dynamic of who holds power. We are not innately compliant.
We can be direct, and due to processing differences, it can take us time to realise when someone is no longer interested and/or processing what we are communicating.
This is an issue of difference, not deficit. There’s a multiplicity of ways to communicate, not one right way - and Neurotypical (NT) people do not hold the blue-print on ‘correct’ communication.
I can think of many situations in which the ways I communicate are infinitely more effective and useful than norms found in NT communication.
I also know I’m not supposed to see Autistic communication as normal, valid and in many situations, effective. I’m supposed to see my communication as flawed and in need of adjustment. Except I don’t.
I’m not apologising to anyone for existing Autistically. See, I don’t think Autistic people are bad communicators.
I think at times we find ourselves with incompatible conversational partners. It really is about the match, the environment, and understanding on both sides.
I personally love receiving long, long messages from other Autistics - I process when I can, and feel privileged they are being so unmasked with me and sharing their inner world.
If I’m tired, sick or busy, I use emojis to acknowledge messages so they feel seen and validated, even if I can’t respond. I work hard to ensure the chattier Auties in my life do not experience from me the rejection I have received myself.
I would never, in a million years, describe them in negative terms. They’re just…being. I am glad they are.
When I hear someone describe an Autistic person as demanding, I hear one of three things:
A clear need for self education and support in understanding the reasons why we communicate the way we do; a need for positive strategies for interacting safely with Auties
Internalised ableism and projection (undiagnosed Autistics often label other Autistics with words they have been called themselves)
A lack of understanding that words matter and they hurt; a lack of understanding that this is part of cumulative traumatic discrimination that we have experienced repeatedly across our lifetimes. A lack of understanding regarding the impact of these words.
The impact can be profound.
A friend of mine, who has had the shit kicked roundly out of her for the way she communicates, told me she rarely leaves the house any more, because she is so exhausted by the responses she gets from people. Her bubbly love of hanging out with people has mostly died, despite being strong in childhood.
She has spent more and more time alone over the years. She’s traumatised from repeat discrimination; and that’s limiting her life and capacity to participate in community.
Notice that her Autism is not what is limiting her. People’s responses to her Autistic communication is.
Thankfully, there’s now many great guides that lay out positive ways to communicate with people from our community.
Thinking about our language is one way you can support us. Understanding your interaction with us is likely to be part of a patchwork of trauma around communication across our lifetime helps too. Thinking about the unseen impact of your words - helps.
Here’s a list of common slurs you may want to think twice about if you’re considering directing them at an Autistic woman/person:
Demanding
Self centered
Selfish
Aloof
Clinical
Over-bearing
Self obsessed
Rude
Aggressive
Hostile
Exhausting
Weird
Stand-offish
Verbal diarrhea
Grandstanding
Word vomiting
Attention seeking
Drama Queen
———
Sara Gibbs’ book of the same name (Drama Queen, 2021) is a fabulous read and describes what it is like to be an intense, emotional, highly talkative Autistic woman.
I’d rec her book to anyone curious to develop their knowledge of how we tick, and their empathy towards our community. We need more allies.
